


Bye, Bye Miss American Pie

by AvengersTime



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Glitter, Humor, Or not, fuzzy slippers, government shutdown, is that a bald eagle, it's all loki's fault, talk of the beautiful country that is America
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 09:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1003553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvengersTime/pseuds/AvengersTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers learn of the government shutdown. It's not, exactly, as it seems. Tony declares to be the next president, and Loki shows up for a chat (and a confession).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bye, Bye Miss American Pie

**Author's Note:**

> I have no fucking clue. This popped out of nowhere. You might want to put on your crack hat and prepare for pointless humor of the government shutdown of America.

Phil Coulson called them with the news, and when Jarvis repeated the information to all the other Avengers, Clint collapsed on the floor with a strangled cry.

"I lost the bet." He moaned pathetically. "A hundred dollars, and I fucking lost it. CURSE YOU MOTHERFUCKING GOVERNMENT. YOU'RE ALL ASSHOLES."

Tony practically cartwheeled into the rec room and threw up his arms in delight. "It's my time to shine."

Natasha swiftly took out a bottle of tequila from the cabinet and downed a third of it in one swig. "Я ненавижу вас."

Bruce grabbed a bottle of Tylenol for the oncoming headaches.

Steve and Thor walked into the room twenty minutes later to Clint on the floor, Natasha lying on the coffee table, Bruce rubbing his temples, and Tony laughing hysterically.

*

"I can't believe the government actually shut down." Steve said exasperatedly, as if this day wasn't totally expected in everyone's minds.

"That should be a public statement. Captain America outraged at government shutdown, demands all apple pies and American flags to be delivered to his front doorstep." Tony remarked, watching the television absently as the news reporter continued on the updates of the Congress issue.

"And fake boobs." Clint muttered, still on the floor.

"Why do thee have fake breasts?" Thor looked aghast.

"Because America." The defeated archer answered.

"Does Natasha have fake boobs?" Tony asked, bravely poking Natasha in the side with his sock clad foot.

"I am very fond of my natural figure, thank you." She said with her eyes closed, and took another sip of the bottle, amazingly, without spilling all over herself.

Thor looked down at himself and gripped his pecs in two large hands. "Perhaps that Midgardian little girl was correct. Do I have breasts because in truth I have fake ones?"

Steve sputtered. "Did you really just ask that?"

Thor grunted and scowled at Steve. "It could be possible."

"No, Thor, you don't have fake boobs. And I don't know how we got here from Panic! At the White House." Bruce looked very tired already, and it was only 9 PM.

"Brucie! You made a joke." Tony put a hand to his chest. "I'm so proud. Wait, wait, I got one. Knock, knock."

"Who's there?" Bruce asked, just to humor Tony.

"NOT THE GOVERNMENT." boomed Thor, and Tony glared daggers. "Apologies, friend Tony. I could not resist."

"Hardy har har. You're hilarious, Tony."

"That's not the point of all this, though. This is the moment where I'd like to announce my candidacy for being the new president of America." Tony stood from his arm chair, hands on his hips. "President Stark. It's got a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

"It doesn't work that way, Tony." Bruce briefly considered letting Clint tranquilize Tony for all their sakes, but it wouldn't have made a difference. When he woke up, he'd pick up where he left off.

"Does it, though?" Tony wiggled his eyebrows, and Steve groaned.

"Tony, no offense, but you would turn the country sideways, then upside down." Steve shook his head fondly.

"False. I would be amazing."

"You think fuzzy bunny slippers are amazing." Clint snorted.

"Like you fucking _don't_!" Tony accused, pointing. "Fuzzy bunny slippers are the best thing to ever comfort my feet."

"Would that be the required footwear of the nation?" Natasha questioned and Bruce hissed out, don't encourage him.

"Fuck, yes."

A good ten minutes of Tony rambling left Clint turned into a caterpillar by the blanket he'd wrapped around himself, slowly making progress, butt up and then butt down, to the door. He's too lazy and suffering still from his lack of money to attempt walking.

Natasha is on the table still, Thor is staring intently at the TV and also nodding vigorously at everything Tony says, Bruce has retreated to the bathroom, and Steve is standing by the wall and banging his head against it. He wants to leave, but Director Fury told them to stick around for the next hour in that room just in case they're needed, and Fury has a peeve about waiting for everyone to gather in one place.

He swears Jarvis is just laughing to himself, in that computerized way. He asks Steve if he wants some tea or "perhaps some distracting music" which ended up being "American Pie", probably only to amuse Tony further.

"Tony, for the love of God, you say one more thing, I will strangle you with a pillow." Steve warned.

"I'm just saying, I'd make a great president. Natasha would be my Vice President, because she can kill people in 10 different ways with her pinkie, albeit making other officials to do things logically for once." Tony continues, picking at a scab on his elbow. "…There would be National Coffee Day. Free coffee, all day."

Natasha threw the now empty bottle of tequila at Clint, who squawked in protest and fell over, and she smiled in satisfaction. "Caterpillar down."

"You're mean. You didn't even leave me a drop." Clint said sadly. "By the way, Tony, you can't be president. I've got some news for you. You're a convicted felon."

There was a deep silence and Tony burst out laughing. "So?!"

Within that moment, a puff of green smoke and a thud caught the Avengers attention. A tall, lean man stood up and dusted himself off.

"LOKI." Thor snapped up to attention, frowning deeply. "You are to be in Asgard."

"I'm on vacation!" Loki shook a finger. "And that includes causing the shutdown of America."

"IT WAS YOU?" Clint roared, sprinting up out of his blanket. "YOU COST ME MY MONEY?!"

Loki paused, looked around, and pursed his lips. "This doesn't look nearly as chaotic as it should."

"Welcome to America, where the government is so fucked up it has no effect on us whatsoever if shut down." Tony nodded, then cocked his head. "Shouldn't we be arresting him?"

"I think so." Steve took a step forward, but Natasha barely moved, and flipped Loki the finger, and Thor had his hammer now and Tony has no idea where it came from other than he must have pulled it out of his ass.

"No need, my work here is done." Loki rolled his eyes. "See you at home, Thor."

"Loki-"

"Shh!" he put a finger to his lips. "do you hear that? We're done here."

"What-"

With a wave of his hand, he was gone, and there was red, white and blue glitter every inch of them and the floor and there was a goddamn eagle perched on the lamp.

"BIRD!" Clint screeched, and charged after it. "BIRD, I AM YOUR COUSIN AND I DEMAND YOU TO FLY ME AWAY FROM THIS INSANITY."

"BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE!" Tony began to sing again, throwing up a handful of patriotic sparkles. Thor and Steve both looked very confused and kept staring the in spot Loki was in a moment ago. Natasha was hissing at the hideous sight of glitter and was high tailing it out of the room as Clint chased the bald eagle, huge and breaking everything in sight.

"AND THIS'LL BE THE DAY I DIEEEEEE~" Tony continued, and Thor joined in just for the hell of it. Bruce stepped into the room again with a gaping mouth.

" _What the fuck happened?_ " he demanded, and they all looked to him.

Tony stopped singing and pointed at Clint. "He said I can't be president because I'm a criminal."

The bald eagle took a shit on Steve's head and that's when Fury appeared on the screen.

"WHY IS THERE A FLOCK OF BALD EAGLES ON STARK TOWER, WHICH IS ALSO NOW RED, WHITE AND BLUE?!"


End file.
